Stupidity, or It is Naught but Teenage Angst

Preface to future self reading this: This is a collection of what are basically conversations that I have with myself, or to a proverbial listener (I wish it didn't sound so lame to say, but I guess to a "Diary" type of mental figure). I tried to avoid making it too serious, because I don't like when people write that way just to appear introspective.




My thoughts when I first saw your face was that I wanted to run out and scrawl your name on any surface I could find. I just want to figure out why. Maybe it's the same as shouting out your name? Maybe the fact that you have a name reminds me that someone as unbelievably beautiful as you is actually... real?

The curious thing about all that is how I end up falling dead silent when you are around. I've been trying to figure out how to explain that phenomenon, although I've found that the term "mesmerized" describes it perfectly.
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Maybe my frustrations are always directed to the newest girl, which would explain why I fall so hard and so easily. Hopefully I'm not the only one that this happens to. [On second thought, I think it's just my fault. I think my mind kind of gets... attached.]
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This is a time when I really want a girlfriend. Someone that I can count on to be there for me. Someone I know will always be out there waiting for me when I want to get out of my skin and take my mind off of the rest of my life. Someone I know I will always have adventures with, because anything is an adventure when I'm with her. Someone to make me feel like I have found my place in the world. Someone who will never judge me or my dumb ramblings about wanting a girlfriend.
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This past New Year's, I thought to myself, "WHY DO YOU WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT THE PERSON MAY THINK ABOUT YOU? MAYBE THEY WON'T JUDGE YOU, BUT THEY'LL APPRECIATE YOUR THOUGHTS!" Ok, maybe I yelled it at myself. But anyway, that's what inspired my little New Year's Resolution. A little problem is that whatever I've told these girls is still not everything. And then I think, "Why the hell do you have so many thoughts about this topic anyway? Why do you spend so much time thinking about such an insignificant issue?"

...Iunno. Hormones?
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I really hope this is just a phase. I curse this supposed "intellectual gift" I have, because I don't want to remember anymore. It's just not right to be stuck with these constantly replaying video clips in my mind, especially because the amount that I think about these moments has no effect on the memory of the other person in them. You have no idea how often I pretend not to remember things, and how hard I focus on not blurting out the stream of facts that I remember. Because really, wouldn't that be kind of creepy?
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I over-think everything, which I've realized is why I'm so shy. I over-think my actions, my image, my behavior, my personality, EVERYTHING. I'm afraid to do anything because I know it will be stuck on my mind. I can't let things go. I can't be spontaneous because the moment I start to try, I see someone's eyes and I wonder what they are thinking about me at that moment, which is just the start to my endless thoughts. It's paralyzing.